10. You’re only in it for the intensely vibrating seat
9. You’ve always felt that passing other cars is rude
8. Terms of your parole won’t let you leave Delaware
7. All this week, you’ve been stockpiling Twinkies
6. Friends know you as “Mr. Motion Sickness”
5. You’re existentially opposed to the starting line and finish line being the same line
4. You know what “existentially” means
3. You don’t like to be rushed
2. You can’t even handle high-speed Internet
1. More than ten minutes sitting? Crippling ass cramps
