10. His wrinkled Pan Am uniform
9. Excitedly tells you it’s his first time on a plane
8. During takeoff, furiously flaps his arms
7. He’s also in the Skymall magazine modeling hats
6. Refers to every control in the cockpit as a ‘doo-hickey’
5. Insists on patting down every passenger himself
4. “Flies” you from Gate 3 to Gate 4
3. Wanders through cabin collecting “gas money”
2. When he thanks you for flying, his mustache falls off
1. He can’t hold his liquor