10. Read somewhere you should drink 8 glasses of steroids a day
9. Thought I was becoming too well-liked
8. Hey — this is only my second strike
7. Asked myself, “What would Lance Armstrong do?”
6. Uh…Chinese hackers?
5. Would’ve made better decisions if I wasn’t high on deer antler spray
4. Cooperstown in such a schlep
3. Forget about steroids — remember when Cameron Diaz fed me popcorn?
2. You try and keep track of every needle that goes in your ass
1. It was a cry for help — like dating Madonna
