Rose Law Group Gripe of the Week
By Harold Glicken – McClatchy-Tribune News Sevice
Dear Readers,
We don’t have to remind you that the slumping economy is taking a bite out of corporate profits, and newspapers aren’t immune. To meet that challenge, we’re taking steps to make your newspaper experience easier to read with news you need.
Beginning July 1, we will trim the fat from the news pages as we give you more concise stories, fewer photos, in trendy black and white, and only the half-dozen comic strips our research shows you really want. Our research also tells us that stock tables cause depression in people older than 60, so say goodbye to gloom and hello to sunny days ahead.
Also beginning July 1, we are eliminating the Editorial and Op-ed pages three days a week. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, if we publish on those days (more about that later), you will not have to endure the snotty rants of pundits you’d never invite to a backyard barbecue.
We’ll also get rid of those tiresome advice columnists who claim to know all the answers. Ditto with health news, which consists of contradictory results of studies that scare the bejabbers out of you. Your health is very important to us, since, frankly, our circulation depends on elderly people like you who don’t have computers, don’t want them and wish the world were a simpler place. Once you depart this earthly coil, friends, we’ll have to close up shop, which is why we want you to put on a happy face and live to 120.
Effective August 1, we will publish five days a week, instead of seven. Actual publication days will vary and depend on whether we secure enough advertising to warrant publishing. But be assured, even though you will pay the same price for your paper, you will get a package that reflects your needs, latent desires and priorities.
To further cut costs while maintaining our high level of service, we will close our customer service hot lines. We can do that by offering our loyal readers the opportunity to deliver your own papers on days we publish.
Here’s how self-delivery will work. Loyal readers will select one resident per square block to pick up the papers at our distribution points. Since we print your newspaper at state-of-the-art facilities in Death Valley, the round trip shouldn’t take more than six hours, traffic permitting. Once the papers arrive on your block, you can distribute them any way you like. If plastic bags are your thing, have a ball stuffing your newspaper in a plastic bag. We have posted a video on our website, which, if it hasn’t crashed again, will show you how to roll your very own newspaper. And remember, wet papers are now your responsibility, so on rainy days you can do what we’ve never been able to do: deliver a dry paper.
You may be wondering how we’ll collect for your subscription. You’ll simply give us your credit card number, which we will not share with anyone, unless our servers are hacked, in which case we’ll notify you as soon as we’re back up and running. Once you’ve given us the OK, we’ll charge your card every two weeks for — get ready for this — $9.95, and that includes two weeks’ worth of plastic bags, a limited one-time $5 gas certificate (good only at our distribution center in Death Valley) and your very own faux canvas paperboy bag. After the initial two weeks, we’ll raise or lower your rate based on the price of newsprint, ink and reporters’ salaries.
Speaking of reporters, we’ve made some changes that you’ll appreciate. We no longer will cover the buffoons in Washington and City Hall. Our coverage of the Never-Seen-A-Liberal-Cause-We-Didn’t-Like Supreme Court will end, and our police reporters will try to get honest jobs outside the newspaper industry. Ditto for our photographers, namby-pamby pundits, health reporters and most editors. We believe reporters should get it right the first time.
To serve you better, we will accept large display ads on the front page. In fact, we will sell the front page to any advertiser who shows us the green. While we will publish an occasional news photo in trendy black and white, our ads (to serve you better) will be in living color.
And so, friends, as we trudge through these hard times together, we will continue to give you News You Need That’s Easy to Read. Thanks loads for being loyal readers.
Glicken is a retired editor for MediaNews’ Los Angeles Newspaper Group
