On the Edge: NFL issues new rules on celebration; lobotomies required, player says

EdgeBy Terry Bradshow | Special to The Bunion

This article is intended to entertain, not to deal with the truth

NEW YORK – Already under fire for its rules that coddle the quarterback, the National Football League (NFL) on Monday added to its rules book regarding taunting, unsportsmanship-like conduct and excessive celebration.

To salve the wound, however, NFL President and CEO Roger “Dodger” Goodsmell said exceptions to the prohibited drugs list were approved to facilitate adherence to the new celebration rules.

In light of the football concussion issue, the NFL this year instituted new rules to prevent helmet-to-helmet hits and late shots on quarterbacks.

“What they’ve done is to castrate defensive players,” said I. M. Incognito, a tackle with the Miami Twerks. “Now, they want to take all the fun out of football by basically saying anyone who makes a great play better have had a frontal lobotomy.”

Incognito was referring to a new set of rules banning any form of celebration, for example pounding the chest, clapping, high-fives, pointing to the sky, dunking the ball over the goal post, dancing, spinning the ball in the end zone and trash talking.

“Players are supposed to act like they’ve been in the end zone before or made an interception or sack,” Goodsmell said. “When a good play is made, which will be reviewable, a player must show no emotion—simply return to the huddle or go to the sideline and shut up.”

Goodsmell, nevertheless, acknowledged adherence to the celebration rule will be difficult at first, and certain calm-inducing chemicals may be used by players.

“For the 2014 season, the use of several mood-altering drugs will be allowed, including Xanax, Elavil, Valium and any drug that takes a player’s mind off football, such as Viagra, LSD and Spice.

“I can live with the new drug rules,” said Ambien Rodriquez, a third-string punter with the Washington Lobbyists.

An additional referee, known as “Emotion Al,” will make the calls on violations of the new rules. First-time offense is a 30-yard penalty. Second-offense is loss of a draft choice, and third offense is a lifetime ban from the NFL.

“We’re being fair,” Goodsmell said. “The rules don’t apply to post-game behavior in the locker room.”

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November 2013