[GUEST COLUMN] By Alex Rodriguez
(On the Edge, a new feature of Rose Law Group Reporter, is merely an attempt at humor, not the truth.)
I write to recommend the adoption of the five Major League Baseball-based rules for members of Congress only:
1) Permit all members to be on steroids. Legally. Dosage will be handled by the Physicians’ offices of the U.S. .House and U.S. Senate. The bigger a member’s body gets, the bigger his or her brain gets. You know what happens with an enlarged brain. Bingo! When the rules go into effect, this section will be affectionately known as Omnibus Juicing (“OJ” but not like in Simpson.)
2) Three strikes and your out: i.e., you can draft as many bills as you want (please not as many as Senator Rubio offers in a week), but if the member doesn’t have at least three co-sponsors from each side of the aisle, and the bill doesn’t obtain a hearing after three tries, the sponsor is required to either go back to his/her office on Capitol Hill and whine, or go back to the home state or district and do actual constituent work. (Whining is easier.) Member will NOT be allowed to appear on CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Wife Swap, or the Disney Channel (Did I say Mickey Mouse Club?) until he/she have at least shown to have done one ounce of work at home. No! I’m not talking about cutting the lawn on Saturdays before golf at a favorite cushy course with a favorite lobbyist. Unlike a fly ball to center field, that’s not going to look good on the evening news.
3) When in doubt, bunt. Maybe just bunt all the time because your constituents are safer that way. Never steal, not even from a PAC or the office cookie jar fund. Lying is okay. But no, no, no mortal sin stuff, or you will be required hard labor in the Senate or House plumbing shops, reading Dante, or sessions with your favorite Upper Northwest massage therapist aka “Cookie” or “Bruce,” whatever your preference.
4) One must be required to wear a uniform designed by a certified fashionista in your home state. Talk to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi first; however, in her case she wears Giorgio Armani. Big bucks! If you are from the American West you are required for goodness sakes to wear real leather cowboy boots. Ladies too. The less tooling the better. The more tooling you have on your boots means you are full of BS, which you already are thanks to your overpaid flaks and handlers from down K Street way.
5) Last but not least, if your performance record in Congress is not equal to at least a .273 batting average, you will be cut/sent home/adios for good. No minor league instruction for you, pal. No spring training. No being sent for an extreme workout with the Israeli armed forces to get gain back your backbone so you can try to come back to Congress. You are fini and thereby instructed to go get a real job.
