10. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
9. If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
8. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
7. I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
6. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
5. Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this.’
4. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75
3. Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re also ugly.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
1. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.