Pardoning an AWOL turkey

By Phil Riske | Senior Reporter, Writer

President Biden Monday went through the silly tradition of pardoning a turkey to commemorate the Thanksgiving holiday. For what fowl crime are these gobblers given a pass? Are they Mafioso? Perhaps, or at least Jimmy Hoffa-like.

For several weeks I carried a coupon for dollars off on a 10-pound, fully cooked, frozen turkey in hopes of many delicious turkey sandwiches. Placed the bird on the bottom shelf of our freezer in the garage.

About a week later, I asked my wife if it would be a good time to thaw Mr. Gobble. My mouth was watering.

I need to interject here one of the mysteries of our married life is the disappearance of a large mixing bowl. It vanished out of thin air. Looked high and low — no mixing bowl.

Now, my wife is somewhat a believer in ghosts, and while she didn’t blame the missing bowl on the ghost of a chef and denying any knowledge of what happened to it, I’ve always wondered if she didn’t chalk it off to an apparition.

The turkey was not in the freezer. The turkey had not fallen out of the shopping cart, nor was it in the trunk of my car.

Maybe I put it in the freezer portion of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Nope.

Wait a minute, a featherless, frozen turkey cannot just fly way. No way! (But in case it did, I issue a full pardon if it will come home.)

I even asked our cats if they were culprits in the Great AWOL Turkeynapping Case.

I was upset, but my wife laughed her butt off and to this day, she thinks the whole event is funny.

If you or anyone you know has knowledge of what happened to my turkey, please call 1-800-TUR-KEYY, followed by the 10-pound key. A reward of three sandwiches is being offered.

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November 2021