On the edge is a feature aimed at humor, not the truth
Although Cave Creek abandoned its duel with Scottsdale over which is “The West’s Most Western Town,” Scottsdale suffered a huge international blow to its image as where cowpokes and millionaires drink Wild Turkey together.
Scottsdale Mayor H.O.V. Lane tells Rose Law Group Reporter (RLGR) the city paid $100,000 for a poll to decide just how much image tarnishing his city took in the scuffle with Cave Creek. Here is the transcript of an exclusive interview with His Honor, edited to delete what he said in a phone conversation with someone complaining about the sun going down sooner this month.
RLGR: So, tell us about the poll.
Lane: Everyone must at least conduct one every 15 minutes to know how things stand. We needed this survey to assist our poor little down-trodden hamlet, which has seen its limit of collateral damage in the fight with that little podunk town over there (pointing). We need to regain our image as the West’s Most Western Town, rather than struggle with what many refer to us as the “The East’s Most Western Town.”
So, what are you going to do about this obvious crisis?
The thought is to give local politicos, media and zoning folks something else to rant about. The good thing is it won’t take millions of hard-earned private or public dollars usually required by high-flying Madison Avenue ad firms to bring the town back to where it once belonged. The effort will require some old fashioned Western leg work, which, by the way, is in short supply in these parts since so many people are showing up from the far reaches of Venus, Mars and France.
Are you saying there are aliens living here?
Stay tuned for the next poll.
Hmmm, okay.
Here’s the deal: All golf courses in Scottsdale would be mandated to turn their properties into — you guessed it — rodeo grounds. Those tidy Scottsdale backyards and viewscapes and gorgeous manicured greener-than-Irish shamrock green golf environs would be replaced with good old fashioned, white and blue Americana rodeos, running wild with cowboys, cowgirls, horses and cows, goat roping and pig races, clowns, country music, flags flying, dust — EPA won’t be happy about
the increase in dust parts per million, but so be it bureaucrats — Original Banquet Coors Beer, livestock pens ripe with made to order locally grown manure/methane gas.
Wow! How more western can you get?
Some members of the rough-and-tough Cave Creek Town Council would wholeheartedly call for an OK Coral-like gunfight since they have a shout-out going and want their town to be able to fly the brand of The West’s Most Western Town. OK, fine, but Scottsdalians can cut that drama off at the knees by taking the high road and do the right thing and bring back rodeos.
No city worth its salt in the United States and its territories would be seen as this forward-thinking. Scottsdale would be the first to go pro-rodeo. Bingo! No
more image problem.
Hmmm.
Much like we have seen the growth of convenient stores, shopping centers and all sorts of housing, rodeos would become hotter than hot sauce by popping up in some of is finest neighborhoods. Scottsdale would become the cutting edge talk of the
nation, with local officials appearing on all the national talk shows with their favorite talking heads.
More importantly, the vanishing breed of cowboys and cowgirls from across the planet would hammer down and jam here faster than we could sing the lyric ‘Get along little doggies,’ while burning more diesel fuel than a refiner can refine.
To boot, the cowboy-cowgirl lobby would love us forever. The voting base
is as diverse a demographic as we’ve ever calculated. Even better, the
president and Congress would recognize the remaking of the great Sonoran Desert landscape, the most lush desert in the world for all you enviros and non-enviros who give a hoot, by proclaiming Scottsdale as the “Rodeo Capitol of the World.”
Once that happens, all bets are off and then our good friends from Texas, Alberta, and, of course, Wyoming, home of Cheyenne Frontier Days, would pour in here
faster than a major oil and gas well strike. Talk about increasing local revenues. Willie Nelson has agreed to do a medical marijuana benefits concert, with all proceeds going to Dr. R. Hurley’s legal efforts.
Hmmmm. Won’t all this require some rezoning?
Can you delete that question from the interview?
OK, Mr. Mayor, let’s wrap it up. Any final words?
This is critical, buckaroos, to a rodeo game plan comeback:
Local resident and noted politico with extraordinary Alaska polar bear
credentials, Sahara “you betcha” Palin would be appointed President Queen of the Rodeo. For life. That way she no longer has to worry about running for a higher office, such as U.S. senator from Alaska, for there’d be no higher office.
Is this a great country or what? Join me in a chorus of ‘Boot Scootin’ Boogie.’
