Movie Poster via Universal Pictures
By Keith Walther | Rose Law Group Reporter
If you’re looking for a brain numbing, fun type of movie, this isn’t it. “Love Hurts” is a Valentine’s Day themed action comedy that boasts two Oscar winners headlining the cast, but the atrocious writing and direction leave the actors and audiences broken hearted. The premise of the story is flawed, basic, and formulaic with silly and unrealistic action scenes that make the whole thing unwatchable.
As a realtor in peaceful suburbia, Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan) loves his job, relishing the opportunity to put young families in new homes. Unknown to his new friends, he has a dark past, one that he’s not proud of, and that past has found him. Rose (Ariana DeBose) was supposed to be dead by Marvin’s hands, but his obvious feelings for her spared her life, and now she has resurfaced.
Marvin’s crime-lord brother, Alvin (Daniel Wu) aka Knuckles, is convinced that Rose stole a substantial sum of money from him, and anyone who steals from him must be killed of course. Marvin’s new life gets turned upside down with thugs and murderers like King (Marshawn Lynch), Otis (Andre Eriksen), and The Raven (Mustafa Shakir) try beating Rose’s whereabouts out of him. The ruthless fighting skills Marvin has tried so hard to bury comes bubbling to the surface to rage a one-man war against his brother.
“Love Hurts” is one of those B action movies that’s been done ad nauseum, bringing absolutely nothing new to the table. This is Jonathan Eusebio’s directorial debut, and one can only hope it’s his last. The former stunt coordinator lacks ingenuity as well as a basic understanding of plot cohesion, producing a frazzled compilation of scenes that he hastily pulls together with inner monologue voiceovers. There’s not a stereotype Eusebio doesn’t dislike from the cookie cutter villains to the overused plot points. The shortsighted plot and it’s simplistic, predictable nature make this the one thing an action movie should never be…boring.
While some of the fight choreography gets a passing grade, the absurdity Eusebio includes only serves as a lame attempt to be unique. Whether it’s the feathered throwing darts or the impractical blade arm attachments or the use of a plastic straw as a lethal weapon being plunged into someone’s brain, the level of ridiculousness destroys any remaining credibility this film had. The rookie director creates unnecessary, goofy moments throughout the film like the scene when the main character is still trying to sell a house to prospective buyers with a badly wounded and bloodied hand while fighting off would-be assassins. Instead of inducing laughter from his poor attempts at comedy, he only achieves a bunch of eyes rolling and head shaking from the audience.
Only a very small percentage of the blame lies at the feet of the cast, because the writing is that horrible. You would hope the lovable Ke Huy Quan would follow up his Oscar winning performance in “Everything Everywhere All at Once” with an equally successful performance here, but it is not meant to be. Having trained in Tae Kwon Do as a child, he handles the fight choreography very well but his overly kind approach with his character becomes nauseating. The best part of this film comes when there’s a small “Goonies” reunion as Sean Astin shares a scene with Ke.
Ever since Ariana DeBose won her Best Supporting Actress Oscar for “West Side Story” in 2022, she has proceeded to provide one horrendous performance after another from “Argylle” to “Kraven the Hunter.” However, she is not half bad in this role, providing that dangerous spark of passion that makes fighting for her understandable. No surprise, the cast of villains, on the other hand, is cringingly bad with ex-NFL running back Marshawn Lynch as the toxic cherry on top. When he yells out “Beastmode” and attempts to tackle the protagonist, there is a collective slapping noise as the audience strikes their forehead with the palm of their hands.
Just like every February, Hollywood feels compelled to release candidates for the worst film of the year, and this is certainly one such early 2025 candidate. “Love Hurts” but it also stinks very badly. This is not the comical, violent, martial arts infused action movie the trailers promise. Instead, it’s a boring slog of predictable outcomes that makes the short runtime of one hour and 23 minutes feel exceedingly long.
This movie earns:
